Unpicking the Reasons: Why Am I So Hard On Myself?

Why Do I Keep Hurting Myself?

Ever catch yourself doing something you know isn't good for you, yet you keep doing it anyway? Like picking at a scab, even though you know it'll just make it worse? Or maybe it's something less obvious, like constantly replaying negative scenarios in your head. Why do we do this to ourselves? It's a question I've wrestled with for ages, and honestly, there's no single, easy answer. But let's try to unpick some of the threads, shall we?

The Echoes of Past Rejection

Rejection stings, doesn't it? Especially when it's delivered with a side of cruelty. Sometimes, those old wounds don't fully heal. They fester, and we end up internalising the negativity. Did someone tell you you weren't good enough? Clever enough? Attractive enough? If you heard it enough, you might start believing it. And when you believe it, you might unconsciously seek out situations that confirm that belief. It's like a twisted form of self-fulfilling prophecy. It's like you are asking for help and don't know how to.

The Painful Habit of Self-Sabotage

Ah, self-sabotage. We've all been there, haven't we? That moment when things are going well, and suddenly, you feel the urge to throw a spanner in the works. Why? Maybe it's fear of success. Maybe it's a deep-seated belief that you don't deserve good things. Or maybe it's just a way of feeling in control when everything else feels chaotic. Whatever the reason, self-sabotage is a sneaky little devil that can wreak havoc on our lives. It's like we are private coaching ourselves to fail.

When Emotional Pain Becomes a Familiar Friend

This one's a bit of a head-scratcher, isn't it? But sometimes, emotional pain can become strangely comforting. It's familiar. It's predictable. And in a weird way, it can even feel like a part of our identity. Letting go of that pain can feel like letting go of a part of ourselves. But here's the thing: you are not your pain. You are so much more than that. And you deserve to be free from it. It's like you are emotional self-harm and don't know how to stop.

The Unseen Chains of Unrealistic Expectations

Ever catch yourself thinking, 'I should be further along by now'? Or maybe, 'Why can't I just handle this like everyone else seems to?' Yeah, me too. It's like we're all walking around with these invisible rulers, constantly measuring ourselves against some impossible yardstick. But where do these expectations even come from, and why are they so damn good at making us feel rubbish?

Holding Ourselves to Impossible Standards

I reckon a lot of it boils down to the stories we tell ourselves. We see snippets of other people's lives – the highlight reels on social media, the carefully curated successes – and we mistake them for the whole picture. We forget that everyone's got their own struggles, their own messy bits that they're not exactly shouting from the rooftops. And then we start demanding that we, too, should be perfect, successful, and happy all the time. It's bonkers, isn't it? It's like expecting a plant to bloom all year round. Everything has its seasons, including us.

The Trap of Feeling Bad About Feeling Bad

This is a sneaky one. It's when we start beating ourselves up for not feeling the 'right' way. Like, if you're sad about something, you then get angry at yourself for being sad. It's a double whammy of negativity! I've been there, trust me. You end up in this weird loop where you're not only dealing with the initial emotion, but also the guilt and shame of not meeting some imaginary emotional standard. It's like relying on reassurance to feel good, but the reassurance never comes, because you're the one setting the bar too high.

It's like having a grumpy little leprechaun living in your head, constantly reminding you of all the times you messed up. Except, the leprechaun is you. And the mistakes? Well, they're just part of being human.

Learning to Be Okay With Imperfection

So, how do we break free from these unseen chains? Well, for starters, we need to give ourselves a break. Seriously. Imagine talking to a friend the way you talk to yourself sometimes. Would you be that harsh? Probably not. It's about recognising that imperfection is not a flaw, it's part of what makes us, well, us. It's about learning to accept that we're going to have good days and bad days, and that's okay. It's about emotional confidence and understanding that we don't have to be perfect to be worthy. Here are a few things that have helped me:

• Challenge your 'shoulds': Whenever you catch yourself thinking 'I should be...', ask yourself why. Is it a realistic expectation? Is it even something you truly want?

• Practise self-compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you'd offer a friend.

• Focus on progress, not perfection: Celebrate the small wins, the little steps forward, instead of fixating on how far you still have to go.

Are You a Reassurance Junkie?

Ever catch yourself constantly needing a pat on the back, a 'you're doing great', or a 'that was brilliant'? We all crave validation sometimes, but when it becomes a need, a constant drip-feed to function, it might be worth exploring. Are you, perhaps, a reassurance junkie?

The Hidden Cost of External Validation

Think about it: how much of your self-worth is tied to what others think? It's easy to fall into the trap of seeking approval, but the problem is, it's a bottomless pit. You get that compliment, that nod of agreement, and for a fleeting moment, you feel... okay. But then the feeling fades, and you're back searching for the next fix. This constant need for external validation can be exhausting, and ultimately, it's disempowering. It's like outsourcing your self-esteem, leaving you vulnerable and dependent on other people's opinions. It can also lead to poor quality relationships and resentment among the people who are closest to you.

Why Confidence Withers Without Self-Reliance

Imagine a plant that always needs propping up. It never learns to stand on its own, does it? It's the same with confidence. If you're always relying on others to tell you you're good enough, you never actually develop that inner belief. You don't learn to trust your own judgement, to value your own opinions. This is where emotional confidence comes in. It's about building that inner strength, that self-reliance, so you can weather the storms without constantly needing someone else to hold your hand.

Breaking Free From the Need for Constant Approval

So, how do you kick the reassurance habit? It's not about becoming a hermit and never listening to anyone else's feedback. It's about shifting the balance. Start by noticing when you're seeking reassurance. What triggers it? What are you hoping to achieve? Then, try to challenge those thoughts. Can you find evidence to support your own abilities? Can you trust your own judgement, even if it's different from someone else's? It's a process, a journey of how to be confident, but it's one that's worth taking. It's about reclaiming your power, building your self-belief, and finally, truly believing in yourself.

It's about learning to sit with discomfort, to manage those feelings of doubt and insecurity, without immediately reaching for that external validation. It's about building a solid foundation of self-worth that comes from within, not from the fleeting opinions of others.

Here are some steps to consider:

• Identify your triggers for seeking reassurance.

• Challenge your negative thoughts and beliefs.

• Practise self-compassion and acceptance.

The Grumpy Leprechaun of Past Mistakes

Ever feel like you've got a tiny, green, irritable leprechaun perched on your shoulder, constantly muttering about every single mistake you've ever made? Yeah, me too. It's exhausting, isn't it? This little guy seems to have an encyclopaedic knowledge of all your screw-ups, ready to remind you at the most inconvenient moments. But here's the thing: that leprechaun? It's probably just you.

When Reflexion Becomes Rumination

There's a difference between reflecting on the past and ruminating on it. Reflexion can be useful. It's how we learn, how we grow. We analyse what went wrong, figure out how to avoid repeating the same errors, and move on. But rumination? That's just stewing in a pot of regret, endlessly replaying scenarios with no productive outcome. It's like chewing gum that's lost its flavour – pointless and tiring.

The Art of Productive Self-Assessment

So, how do we turn rumination into reflexion? It's about asking the right questions. Instead of just wallowing in the 'what ifs', try focusing on what you learned. What would you do differently next time? What strengths did you discover in yourself, even amidst the mess? It's about extracting value from the experience, not just reliving the pain. Think of it as healthy reflexion – a way to improve, not just punish yourself. The law of diminishing returns definitely applies here; after a certain point, you're just beating a dead horse.

Letting Go of What No Longer Serves You

This is the tough part. Sometimes, we cling to past mistakes because they've become part of our identity. We define ourselves by our failures, rather than our successes. But holding onto that baggage is like carrying a rucksack full of rocks – it weighs you down and makes it harder to move forward. You have to actively choose to let go. Forgive yourself for not being perfect. Accept that everyone makes mistakes. And realise that you are not the sum of your past errors. You are more than that. You are capable of growth, of change, of emotional confidence. So, tell that grumpy leprechaun to take a hike. You've got better things to do.

Lost Without a Compass: Unclear Values

Ever feel like you're just drifting? Like a ship without a rudder, bobbing along with the waves, but never really going anywhere? I get it. It's a rubbish feeling, this sense of being lost. Sometimes, the reason we're so hard on ourselves is because we're not even sure what we're aiming for. We're missing a vital ingredient: a clear set of values.

Navigating Life Without a True North

Think of your values as your personal compass. They're the principles that guide your decisions, the things that truly matter to you. Without them, you're basically wandering aimlessly, making choices based on fleeting emotions or external pressures. It's like trying to bake a cake without a recipe – you might end up with something edible, but it's probably not what you intended. And you'll probably feel a bit rubbish about the whole thing. I know I would. It's easy to end up making all our decisions in life based on how we want or don’t want to feel, rather than basing our choices on what truly matters out of life.

Defining What Truly Matters to You

So, how do you figure out what your values are? It's not always easy, is it? It's not like they're printed on your forehead. It takes some soul-searching, some honest reflexion. Ask yourself: What do I stand for? What makes me feel alive? What am I willing to fight for? What pisses me off? What do I admire in others? Your answers to these questions will start to reveal your core values.

Maybe it's honesty, maybe it's creativity, maybe it's kindness. There's no right or wrong answer, it's about what resonates with you. It's about what makes you, you.

Here's a few examples:

• Integrity

• Family

• Adventure

• Learning

• Service

The Freedom of Living Authentically

Once you've identified your values, the real magic begins. You can start aligning your life with them, making choices that are in harmony with your true self. And when you do that, something amazing happens: you start to feel more confident, more fulfilled, more alive. You're no longer just drifting; you're sailing with purpose, guided by your own internal compass. And that, my friend, is a pretty liberating feeling. Living authentically is the key to unlocking your true potential.

The Subtle Art of Self-Inflicted Wounds

Ever catch yourself doing something that, deep down, you know isn't good for you? It's like picking at a scab – you know you shouldn't, but you just can't help it. We've all been there, haven't we? But what if these little acts of self-sabotage are more than just bad habits? What if they're actually wounds we're inflicting on ourselves, often without even realising it?

Is This Really Emotional Self-Harm?

Let's be real, the term 'self-harm' often conjures up images of physical acts, but emotional self-harm is just as real, and arguably, more insidious. It's the constant stream of negative self-talk, the refusal to acknowledge your achievements, the deliberate isolation from people who care about you. It's like having a tiny bully living inside your head, constantly chipping away at your self-worth. Are you doing this? Are you actively making things harder for yourself, even when you don't need to? It's a tough question, but an important one to ask. If you are, it might be time to consider self-compassion.

The Uncomfortable Truth About Psychic Cutting

I know, 'psychic cutting' sounds a bit dramatic, doesn't it? But think about it: words can wound just as deeply as any blade. When we engage in relentless self-criticism, when we replay past mistakes over and over in our minds, we're essentially cutting away at our self-esteem. It's a form of self-punishment, a way of making ourselves suffer for perceived failings. The truth is, we often treat ourselves far worse than we would ever treat a friend.

Why We Punish Ourselves for Others' Sins

This is where things get really messy. How often do we carry the weight of other people's actions? Maybe you were bullied at school, or betrayed by a partner, or let down by a family member. And now, years later, you're still punishing yourself for their behaviour. You're internalising their negativity, their cruelty, and turning it inward. It's like you're saying, "I deserve this pain, because of what they did." But you don't. You absolutely don't. It's time to unpack that baggage and realise that their sins are not yours to bear.

It's easy to fall into the trap of believing we deserve the bad things that happen to us, especially if we've been told that often enough. But remember, you are not responsible for the actions of others. You are only responsible for how you choose to respond to them. And you always have the power to choose kindness, compassion, and forgiveness – starting with yourself.

Here's a little table to help you identify if you're punishing yourself for others' sins:

Symptom	Example
Feeling guilty for someone else's mistake	"My partner cheated, so I must be unlovable."
Taking responsibility for their feelings	"My mum is unhappy, so it's my job to fix it."
Suppressing your own needs to please them	"I can't say no to my friend, even though I'm exhausted."

If any of these resonate, it's time to start setting some boundaries and reclaiming your own emotional space.

Here are some steps you can take:

• Identify the source of the negativity.

• Challenge the belief that you are responsible.

• Practise self-compassion.

• Seek support from a therapist or trusted friend.

Comparison: The Thief of Your Joy

Ever find yourself scrolling through social media, suddenly feeling like your life is a bit… rubbish? Yeah, me too. It's like everyone else is living their best life, while you're just trying to figure out what to have for dinner. Comparison, my friend, is a sneaky little thief, robbing us of our joy one filtered photo at a time. But why do we do it? And how can we stop?

The Endless Race Against Imagined Rivals

It's a race we can never win, isn't it? We're constantly measuring ourselves against these highlight reels of other people's lives. They're showing off their promotions, their holidays, their perfect families. And we're sitting here in our pyjamas, wondering where we went wrong. But here's the thing: it's not a real race. It's a figment of our imagination, fuelled by carefully curated online personas. We're comparing our behind-the-scenes to their best bits. It's hardly a fair contest, is it?

Why Measuring Up Never Feels Enough

Even when we do achieve something, the feeling of satisfaction is often fleeting. We get that promotion, buy that house, go on that holiday… and then what? We immediately start looking for the next thing to strive for, the next person to measure ourselves against. It's like we're addicted to the chase, but never actually enjoy the prize. The goalposts are always moving, and we're forever trying to catch up. It's exhausting, isn't it? And ultimately, it leaves us feeling empty.

Finding Contentment in Your Own Lane

So, how do we break free from this cycle of comparison? How do we find contentment in our own lane? Well, it starts with recognising that everyone's journey is different. We all have our own unique set of circumstances, our own strengths and weaknesses, our own dreams and aspirations. There's no point in comparing apples and oranges, is there? Instead of focusing on what we don't have, we need to appreciate what we do have. And that takes practise. It means celebrating our own small victories, focusing on our own progress, and embracing rest without feeling guilty. It means being kind to ourselves, even when we fall short.

It's about shifting our focus from external validation to internal satisfaction. It's about finding joy in the simple things, in the everyday moments, in the journey itself. It's about realising that our worth isn't determined by what we achieve, but by who we are.

Here are some things that help me:

• Gratitude journaling: Writing down three things I'm grateful for each day. Sounds cheesy, but it works.

• Mindfulness meditation: Taking a few minutes each day to focus on my breath and be present in the moment.

• Unfollowing accounts that trigger comparison: Curating my social media feed to be more positive and inspiring.

The Weight of Unprocessed Trauma

Have you ever felt like you're carrying a backpack full of rocks, but you can't quite remember where you got them? Sometimes, being hard on ourselves isn't just about current mistakes or anxieties. It's about the heavy baggage of unprocessed trauma that we're lugging around, often without even realising it.

When Old Wounds Refuse to Heal

Think of a physical wound. If you don't clean it properly, it festers, right? Emotional wounds are similar. If we don't address past hurts, they can become infected with self-criticism and negativity. It's like the past is constantly bleeding into the present, colouring how we see ourselves and the world. Are you finding that healing from trauma feels impossible?

The Lingering Impact of Past Hurts

Past hurts can manifest in so many ways. Maybe you find it hard to trust people, or you constantly anticipate the worst. Perhaps you're a people-pleaser, always trying to avoid conflict because, deep down, you're terrified of rejection. These aren't just quirks; they're often symptoms of unresolved trauma. It's like your brain is stuck in survival mode, reacting to threats that aren't even there anymore.

Seeking Solace in Professional Support

I know, the idea of therapy can be daunting. It's like admitting that something's broken, and nobody wants to do that. But honestly, seeking professional support is one of the bravest things you can do. A therapist can provide a safe space to explore those old wounds, develop coping mechanisms, and start the journey towards healing. It's not about being 'fixed'; it's about learning to live with your past in a way that doesn't define your present or dictate your future.

Sometimes, we need a guide to help us navigate the labyrinth of our own minds. There's no shame in asking for help; in fact, it's a sign of strength and self-awareness.

And remember, you're not alone in this. So many of us are carrying hidden burdens, and acknowledging that is the first step towards lightening the load.

Breaking the Cycle of Self-Criticism

Right, so we've identified some of the reasons why we might be so hard on ourselves. But knowing why isn't enough, is it? We need to actually do something about it. It's time to break free from this cycle of self-criticism. Easier said than done, I know. But trust me, it's possible.

Silencing Your Inner Bully

That voice in your head? The one that's constantly pointing out your flaws, telling you you're not good enough? Yeah, that's your inner bully. And honestly, it's a right git. The first step is recognising it for what it is: a bully. Would you let someone else speak to you like that? Of course not! So why are you letting yourself do it? Start challenging those thoughts. Ask yourself: is this really true? Is there another way of looking at this? Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) techniques, like those available at Mood Gym, can be really helpful here.

Cultivating a Kinder Inner Voice

Okay, so you've identified your inner bully. Now what? Well, you need to replace it with something kinder. Think of it like this: you're retraining your brain. It takes time and effort, but it's worth it. Start by noticing when you're being self-critical. Then, actively try to reframe those thoughts in a more positive light. Instead of saying "I'm such an idiot for making that mistake," try "Okay, I made a mistake. But everyone makes mistakes. What can I learn from this?" It's about healthy reflexion, not dwelling.

The Power of Self-Compassion

This is the big one, isn't it? Self-compassion. It sounds a bit fluffy, I know. But honestly, it's a game-changer. It's about treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer a friend. Imagine a friend came to you feeling down about something. Would you berate them and tell them they're useless? No, you'd offer them comfort and support. So why not do the same for yourself? It's about recognising that you're human, you're imperfect, and that's okay. We all mess up, we all have bad days. It's part of the human experience. And instead of beating yourself up about it, try offering yourself a bit of self-criticism and understanding. You deserve it. Remember that unhelpful self-criticism fuels inadequacy.

It's time to forgive yourself. For giving validity to those who hurt you. For the things you think you could have done but didn't. You made the best choices you could at the time. Forgive yourself for taking their rubbish onboard, so you can finally toss it aside. And forgive yourself for hurting yourself since. You were hurting and directed that hurt inward, but you can stop now. Let it all go.

It's a journey, not a destination. There will be days when you slip up and fall back into old habits. But don't give up. Keep practising, keep being kind to yourself, and eventually, you'll break free from the cycle of self-criticism and build emotional confidence.

Building Emotional Confidence From Within

Trusting Your Ability to Handle Life's Knocks

Ever feel like you're constantly bracing for the next blow? Like life's just waiting to trip you up? I get it. It's exhausting, isn't it? But what if, instead of fearing the fall, you started trusting your ability to get back up? It's not about avoiding the stumbles – those are inevitable. It's about knowing, deep down, that you've got what it takes to handle them. Think of it like this: every time you do get through something tough, you're building emotional resilience. You're proving to yourself that you're stronger than you think. And that, my friend, is where true confidence begins.

Stepping Away From the Need for External Props

How often do you find yourself seeking validation from others? A 'like' on social media, a compliment from a colleague, a pat on the back from your partner? It feels good, right? But here's the thing: relying on external props for your self-worth is like building a house on sand. It's shaky, unstable, and prone to collapse at the slightest breeze. True emotional confidence comes from within. It's about knowing your worth, regardless of what anyone else thinks. It's about being okay with being yourself, flaws and all. It's about understanding your personal values and living by them. It's a tough journey, I know, but it's so worth it.

The Journey to Unshakeable Self-Belief

Unshakeable self-belief... sounds pretty good, doesn't it? Like you could take on the world without a second thought. But let's be real, it's not about becoming some invincible superhero. It's about cultivating a quiet, unwavering trust in yourself. It's about accepting that you're not perfect, that you'll make mistakes, but that you're still worthy of love and respect. It's about silencing that inner critic and replacing it with a kinder, more compassionate voice. It's a journey, not a destination. There will be ups and downs, moments of doubt and moments of triumph. But with each step, you'll be building a stronger, more resilient, and more confident you. And that, my friend, is something to be truly proud of.

Remember, building emotional confidence isn't about becoming someone else. It's about becoming more of who you already are. It's about embracing your strengths, accepting your weaknesses, and trusting your ability to navigate the ups and downs of life. It's about finding that inner spark and letting it shine.

Here are some things that helped me:

• Practising self-compassion

• Setting realistic goals

• Celebrating small victories

Learning to feel good about yourself from the inside out is super important. It helps you handle tough stuff and feel strong. Want to learn more? Head over to our website for loads of helpful tips and tricks!

So, What Now, Eh?

Right, so we've had a good old natter about why we're so blooming hard on ourselves. It's a bit of a messy business, isn't it? All those little voices, the comparisons, the 'shoulds' and 'coulds' bouncing around our heads. But here's the thing: knowing is half the battle, as they say. It's not about suddenly becoming a zen master overnight, or skipping through fields of daisies without a care in the world. Nah, that's not real life. It's about spotting those moments, having a bit of a chuckle at our own ridiculousness sometimes, and maybe, just maybe, cutting ourselves a bit of slack. Because honestly, if you wouldn't talk to your mate like that, why on earth are you talking to yourself that way? Food for thought, eh? Go on, be a bit kinder to that brilliant, messy, perfectly imperfect human staring back at you in the mirror. You deserve it.

Frequently Asked Questions

Why do old rejections still hurt so much?

Sometimes, we hold onto hurtful memories from the past. Maybe someone said something mean, or we felt left out. These old feelings can make us feel bad about ourselves even now, like a quiet echo that keeps playing in our heads.

What does it mean to have unrealistic expectations?

It's like having a little voice in your head that says you're not good enough, no matter what. We set goals that are almost impossible to reach, and then we feel terrible when we don't hit them. This makes us feel bad about feeling bad, which is a tricky cycle to break.

Am I too reliant on others' opinions?

This is when you always need other people to tell you that you're doing okay. If you can't feel good about yourself without someone else's praise, your confidence can get shaky. It's like needing constant fuel from outside instead of having your own inner engine.

How can I stop dwelling on past mistakes?

It's good to think about what went wrong so you can learn. But if you keep thinking about mistakes over and over, without learning anything new, that's called 'rumination'. It's like being stuck on a broken record, and it just makes you feel worse.

Why is it important to know what you value?

Having clear values means knowing what's truly important to you in life. If you don't know what you stand for, it's easy to feel lost or like you're just drifting along. Knowing your values helps you make choices that feel right for you.

What is emotional self-harm?

This is when you hurt yourself emotionally, even if you don't mean to. It might be saying mean things to yourself or putting yourself down. Sometimes, we do this because we feel like we deserve to be punished, especially if we've been hurt by others in the past.

How does comparing myself to others affect me?

When you constantly look at what others have or what they're doing, and then feel bad because you don't measure up. This can steal your happiness because you're always chasing something that feels just out of reach, instead of enjoying your own journey.

What is unprocessed trauma?

Trauma means very painful experiences from the past that haven't fully healed. These old hurts can still affect how you feel and act today, even if you don't realise it. Sometimes, getting help from a professional can make a big difference in dealing with these feelings.